Medical terminology

Images of the unfortunate or just plain stupid people medical personnel are faced with everyday, from Google)

As I have noted in past blogs, we medical types have developed our own language, usually used to deal with the frustrations, pain, and stress of lives spent taking care of others. Others who seem determined to mistreat themselves in the most shocking and sometimes heartbreaking ways.

Like, the young man who presented in the Emergency Department, noting on his intake sheet 'bleeding scrotum' as his reason for seeking treatment. I took him back to a room, gave him a gown, and returned to look at the offending scrotum. To my surprise, he had recently had an orchiectomy, that is, a testicle had been removed. The other was not there, having been removed previously, judging by the scars. I asked him what had happened, and he told me he had removed it himself a week prior, and the incision wouldn't stop bleeding. He had removed his first testicle two years previously, and it hadn't bled like this. When I asked him why he had done this, he said, 'Personal choice.' He was accompanied by his fiance, a lovely young woman.

Or like the 785 pound woman who had laid down on her couch a year and a half earlier, weighing 490 and, in her depression and grief over her father's death, never got back up. Paramedics had to cut the couch fabric to take with her because it was bonded and rotted to her necrotic tissue. While taking care of her that first night when she arrived, we slipped in the pus that dripped onto the floor under the gurney. We all burned our shoes after the shift.

I have a shirt that says, 'Hi, I am your nurse. What stupid fucking thing have you done to yourself?' And, you know, that is how you feel sometimes, watching these patients troop through with maladies that deserve a Darwin award.

So, here are some more abbreviations to bring you up to speed on modern medical terminology:

Giving a shot to a fat person: harpooning

Motorcycle: Donor cycle

GPO: Good for parts only

CNS/QNS: Central nervous system quotient not sufficient

Gas passer: anesthesiologist

Rear admiral: gastroenterologist

Plumber: urologist

The house red: blood

TMB: diagnosis of 'too many birthdays'

NTB: not too bright

LOL/NAD: Little old lady/no acute distress

ETOH/FO: ETOH (chemical shorthand for alcohol/fell over), also related to

AGA: Acute gravity attack