Cast off

My cast was removed yesterday. You probably noticed that I have been missing in 'lack of' action lately. The two are closely linked.

I have been in a funk. Rather than calling me to check in to see if I need anything, to bring me an ice cream, to take me out to see the world, I have experienced solitude. I could not drive, so I stayed home. Other than relatives calling me to see if they could do anything, I got calls from those who needed money, favors 'when you are up and around', or just to dump their problems on me. I started hanging up and crying. Then, I started not answering. Then, I started spending more and more time in bed.

Not to say that I have been totally alone. But, my husband has gone about his business, working, going to the gym, going away all weekend, taking friends to the beach to crab, and I stayed home.

The first night I had my cast, I sat in the recliner, my foot and cast elevated, watching my son and husband fix food and drink, eat same, and never offer me one thing! I got up, hobbled unsteadily into the kitchen, asked my husband for some ice, which he placed in the cup I had provided, dropped a cube, then swore and crashed the ice cube into the sink, shattering it, blowing ice all over. He then handed my glass back. Disbelievingly, I hobbled over, filled my glass with lemonade, and tried to carry a glass of lemonade down the two steps into the living room while on two crutches. No help, no offer to help.

It took me crying in sadness, pain, and frustration to my husband that night before he began occasionally asking me if I needed anything. (Why do I have to cry to get his full attention? To seem sufficiently helpless and 'Judy's turn to cry'-ish? I hate to cry.) But it didn't make him stay home from a weekend at his retreat in the desert.

I am first and foremost a nurturer. I give and serve and provide and cuddle when my people are hurt or sick. I stay in the hospital with them. I take them to my place to take care of them after they are hurt or operated on or when they are ill. I go to the doctor with them, if they want support. I spend hours helping them understand their medication or illness. I cannot think of a time I have gotten any of that back. And, for that, I am hurt, deeply and profoundly. Deeper than I ever thought I could be.

So, I have pulled back. I need to think about all this. I need to know what kind of person gives so much and gets so little back. I need to look in myself, find that place where I can think, and process. Meanwhile, I am afraid, very afraid of what will happen to me if I get badly hurt or ill, or disabled, or, inevitably, old. I feel like I have no one to count on but myself. Every important disabling event in my life, from C-sections to hysterectomy, I have been similarly dealt with by my 'support network'.

What do I do? How do I fix this; starting from within me?