More Plys, or Plies, More Better

My favorite brand of toilet tissue has gone from two-ply to three-ply. No notification, no opinion poll, no forewarning. Just one day, BAM! they pull a hygiene Emeril. What could make a nice safe steady two ply brand do something like this? It got me thinking...

America is fat and getting fatter. Do big asses need more plys, or plies, as the case may be? If we are eating more, we are producing an equal amount of, well, waste. So, can that be the reason? Do we think 'Yeah, I've got this big ol' ass and I'm shittin' like an elephant, so I better pick up this three-ply paper so I don't end up wipin' all day long. Yep, good call.'

Or, maybe we are just in such a hurry, we want to speed things up, even if it only by one ply. 'A good wipe used to take X long. If I use this new, improved three-ply invention, I could be back to my keyboard in less time, even after taking time to use the new MRSA killing hand soap. Yep, good call.'

Or, maybe, when we finally get to meet that 'smart, successful, quirky' cyber dreamboat in person, s/he just might notice the special attention we give to our guests at great expense to ourselves, and that one little thing about the toilet tissue will be the thing that turns our online match into the 1 in 5 marriages made through a dating service. 'Yep, good call.'

Or, maybe it's because we figure we are worth it. Damn it, my folks toiled all their lives and only had single ply to show for it. They gave me a good, though humble, single ply start. And now, I have worked hard and can reward myself and my kids with this really great three ply tissue. We have arrived. 'Yep, good call.'

My toilet tissue company probably figured any or all of these things would work. And maybe they're right. They pay professional figure-outers to know this stuff. We are merely puppets in the toilet tissue tug of war between companies in this huge, free trade competitive wonderful country of ours. I just wished they'd warned me. Or asked me.