Don't Tell Me It's 'Normal'...

Empty Nest Syndrome refers to feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes. This may occur when children go to college or get married. Women are more likely than men to be affected; often, when the nest is emptying, mothers are going through other significant life events as well, such as menopause or caring for elderly parents.


Feelings of sadness are normal at this time. It is also normal to spend time in the absent child's bedroom to feel closer to him or her.

Recent research suggests that the quality of the parent-child relationship may have important consequences for both at this time. Parents gain the greatest psychological benefit from the transition to an empty nest when they have developed and maintain good relations with their children. Extreme hostility, conflict, or detachment in parent-child relations may reduce intergenerational support when it is most needed by youth during early adulthood and by parents facing the disabilities of old age. (APA)


The experts thus describe the Empty Nest (EN).  Worse for women than men.  Other life events worsen it. It's okay; it's 'normal'.  Normal to sit crying in an empty room.  


Well, it may be normal, but it sucks.  I am a mom who did everything possible to prepare for the EN, including returning to school to launch an exciting new career as a critical care nurse.  And, yet, I still sat holding baby clothes to to my face as they soaked up my tears.  To know what's normal and to be comforted by those words are two different things.   

Empty Nest, Part One: The Birth of a Mother

Motherhood is many things, partly interpreted through the media, partly through the expectations and history of one's family, partly through the stimulus/response randomness of daily life.  It is an amalgam of all of these, and more.  It is also comprised of the dreams of the mother, the past longings, the long ago decisions of 'when I'm a mother, I will/won't...', and the great responsibilities and fears that the actual experience engenders.


Many of us try very hard to be good mothers, to be the best we can be.  We are never quite as good as we might want to be, or have dreamed of being, but still we aspire to do better, be better, make our child's upbringing as valuable and special as possible.  


We are given the gift of, and responsibility for, precious, helpless beings that possess our hearts from the moment we are aware of them sharing our body.  Our body changes as does our sense of self, our view of the future, our dreams and goals.  We are forever changed, forever a mother. And if we are fortunate enough to bring the child safely into the world, a permanent shift in paradigm occurs in the heart and mind of the mother, and the world is never, ever the same again.  One mother, Elizabeth Stone, says:

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Yes, it is.   For the first time, the mother is no longer able to be self contained and to know all is well as long as she takes care of herself.  Her happiness, her future, her 'heart' is off on it's own, making independent decisions and drawing the attention of Fate.  She is out of control. Children change quickly and wholeheartedly.  Once content with a Happy Meal and cartoons for a big adventure, once able to fill an afternoon with a shovel and pile of sand, a child suddenly needs money and i.d. and transportation and time away.  Mom lags behind, shuffling forward into an unknown future while looking back at the sweet memories.  And, is often vilified for the delay.  'C'mon, Mom, get with it!', 'Mom, I don't like that anymore', 'No body does that anymore, Mom' replaces 'Play with me, Mommy', 'Read me a story', and 'Up, Mama'. And, then, all too soon, they are gone.  Off to college, off to their own apartment, off to travel the world.  At each subsequent milestone, a hero party celebrates the child's accomplishments, a loving tribute to hard work and growing up.  Congratulations, cards, gifts, money, flowers, balloons, all for the growing child. And, there, back there in the shadows, is the mom of the past, smiling through her tears.  Hating the passage of time.  Wishing to scoop up a muddy little one and, laughing, head to the bathtub.  She has become obsolete. She has been forceably retired from the greatest, most important and all consuming job she has ever known.  A career that has defined and redefined and meant the world to her. No party, no cake, no cards, no gold watch.  She is expected to simply deal with the loss, the emptiness of heart and home and driveway and washer.  It is seen as a natural part of life.  Then, why does it feel so unnatural and painful?

Simple truth...

Of all the truths in life, this I know with certainty: 


a manicure would be wasted on me..

Getting through the tough times...

Yep, and he's been asking about you...

Pioneer Up!

My friend Anna, a young mother of a toddler, lives in an area of large fir trees. During a recent snow storm, one of the trees gave up its earthly hold and fell through the roof of Anna's house. A bathroom was damaged, the ceiling light hanging loose, water and snow pouring in. She immediately went on Facebook, describing the occurrence and asking 'what do I do? I have no idea!'

The answers, from her female friends, were appallingly pathetic, weak, unhelpful, and ineffectual. I am so disappointed. I expected more from this group of bright, educated, worldly young women.

-I will pray for you...

-Turn the bathroom light off. Call Andy! (the husband)

-Turn out all lights and wait until Andy gets there. Don't go into that room. Praying! Hugs!

Oh, for god's sake! There are some pioneer women struggling to get out of their graves to kick some ass. I thought we had taught our young women better.

I wrote:

-Turn off the breakers to the bathroom and any other room effected.

-If you can safely put buckets under the leaks, do it.

-Call your insurance company for a referral to a tree removal service and to get an adjustor out.

-Notify the nonemergency number for the police/fire dispatch for an information only notice.

-Call the utilities; electricity, gas, sewer, cable.

-If you can't get help, call me. I know folks who can secure your home by nightfall.

Now, THAT'S advice, ladies. Hugs and prayers won't keep the rain off your prized possessions or make sure there isn't a gas leak. Make us older women feel like you can handle things. Or, we'll take back the world...

The Code of the West

Although the Code of the West was unwritten, every cowboy knew what it was. The Ten Principles are Jim Owen's distillation of the timeless, universal cowboy values that are still relevant to our lives today. They are at the heart of cowboy ethics and of Jim's book, Cowboy Ethics: What Wall Street Can Learn from the Code of the West.

1 Live each day with courage

2 Take pride in your work

3 Always finish what you start

4 Do what has to be done

5 Be tough, but fair

6 When you make a promise, keep it

7 Ride for the brand

8 Talk less and say more

9 Remember that some things aren't for sale

10 Know where to draw the line