He has done this since I have known him; about 38 years. But, today, knowing he was going, I was apprehensive, restless, unnerved. Because the life I have jealously guarded for the past six weeks is breaking away. I have not been away from him, except for work, except when a child of ours was there to guard him, for all the time since his cerebral bleed.
I feel like a new mommy leaving her baby at the babysitter's for the first time. My gut is in a knot, I feel vaguely guilty,and not a little negligent. But, I know we need to make the break. We cannot act as if he will die any moment, any longer. It has been exhausting.
We have discussed his passing, our finances, his wishes and dreams, our love, his memorial service, our kids... ad nauseum, in finitum. It is time to move on.
I just wish my practical brain would convince my heart and gut to comply to the party line. I doubt if I will sleep tonight. But, I know he will. He loves the stars, the silence, the smell of his little trailer.
Good night, sweet man. I will do the worrying for us all tonight. You rest, you pretend that things are returning to normal. I'll be awake if you call...
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