Too Easy

Friday, January 30, 2009

I was once a Parent Training Specialist (PTS) for, first a school for the handicapped, and then, a county mental health clinic.  In both places, I dealt with kids with behavior problems and their parents (and their behavior problems, usually).  Ironic, since I had no kids of my own.  But that did not deter me.   I knew what worked.  I had these same kids, or ones like them, in my classroom before I became a PTS.

At the county mental health clinic, my caseload consisted of mentally handicapped kids with 'normal' parents, normal kids with mentally handicapped parents, and also the ancillary people, like teachers foster parents, day care folk, caseworkers, sometimes a whole community of support folk.   The skills and advice I gave them worked, and worked quickly.

I was given six weeks to make measurable changes in these lives, a timeline dictated by funding.  And I did it.  How?  With common sense, fair play, and behaviorism.  Yep, the nasty 'b' word.  Didi I take away free choice, did I manipulate or bribe the child, did I create automatons?  Hardly.  There is enough free will, machination, and spontaneity in most of us to compensate for the few areas I addressed.  And manipulate?  Please.  Isn't it better to act from a plan developed to bring order to a suffering family, to bring both known rules and praise to a kid who has been guessing at what's right, and failing, than to parent from the hip, like so many do?  I helped families set priorities, goals, and consequences for really important issues, and then taught them how to follow through.

In my early twenties, I sat in may office and heard parents say that they could think of nothing about their chid that the child did well, or that the parent was proud of.  It broke my heart.  Six weeks later, those same parents had data that they themselves had collected that showed the progress and efforts of the child.  They had to state in front of the child how the behaviors had changed, and make good on the reward.  Often, sadly enough, the reward chosen by the child was just extra time with the parent.  

I came to the conclusion that having a child was too easy for most people.  To them, it was a foregone conclusion, a 'well, of course', a 'it's time', or 'damn, I'm late' kind of thing.  Kids born too easily and not craved for long enough have a rough time of it..  They have parents who haven't grown up enough to lead, haven't screwed up enough to be understanding or forgiving, haven't come to regard the birth of a child as a precious, life-altering event.  The kids become props in the unfolding drama that is their parent's lives.  And they rebel, because kids want to have the lead role in any drama going on in the family.  That's their job as kids.

I was thirty-one before I became a mother.  I had wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember .  After having been a PTS, I wanted it to be the right time, to want a child to the depths of my soul, to be mature enough to create a life a kid deserves, one starring themself in the main role.  I didn't want having a child to be too easy.