Cali is worse today. She now has pancreatitis. The vet says her case is not clear cut, not black and white. To them, she does not seem like a terminal patient. She might pull through. Tomorrow marks the limit of the 6,000.00 dollars I authorized for her care. Do we want to save her, or continue treating her?
I do not feel qualified to answer these questions. If I had thought a week ago that she was terminal, I would have spared her the surgery, the pain, the separation from me and home, the confusing strange environment. God, I feel like a reluctant God. If she dies anyway, what have I given her? A week of hell. (I know, I know, Monday morning quarterbacking...)
I err on the side of the fighting chance, I err on the side of illogical love. I want her by my side again in the leather recliner. I long to hear her dramatically drawn out crooning when I come home at the end of the work day. God, spare me from selfishness and self-serving decisions. Give me the strength to let go if I have to.
And, Cali girl, forgive me my need to hold out another day for a better prognosis.
Love,
Me
1 comment:
I posted another picture over on my blog from Thursday's visit I did.
I love you.
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