Racist, Mysogynist, Brother

I haven't seen my brother for a few months.  He is a difficult man, a lot like our father.  Filled with anger, insecurity and demons.  He is single-handedly responsible for many (count 'em, many) insecurities and phobias I have or had.  He was cruel to me, both psychologically and physically.  He was a relentless tormenter who, being ten years my senior, I had no defense against.  He was a bully and a feared entity in my life.

We are grown up now.  He no longer scares me.  I have created defenses against his behavior, and some of it, he outgrew.  But he remains, as I said, difficult and angry.

In between visits, I forget all that and begin to remember (falsely) a myth brother, the one I so wanted when I was a child.  That brother was the golden boy, handsome and smart, athletic and kind.  In actuality, my real brother was all but the latter.  He was not kind.  But, I so wanted him to be.

I visited him recently.  When I left, I felt depleted by his rage and his prejudice.  I have never heard the words 'nigger' and 'snatch' so often in so short a time period.  I felt like I should defend the black population and the female population, but I was reluctant to do so in his own home.  So, I didn't.  

After, I felt like I had bargained away a piece of my soul to listen to that toxic spew.  I saw in his distorted features my own father, who had been just as racist, angry, hate-filled and mysogynistic.  It made me feel tired and sad.  And glad to be going back to my own world.