Dating in the new millenium

Tonight, I got a call from a 62 year old man, recently flung by divorce into the dating scene.  He had been the best man at our wedding, a good friend of my husband for decades.  He wanted help meeting women.  Wow. 

I can not imagine dating in today's world.  For young people, there are rules of engagement and expectations of the culture of dating that they understand.  For us middle- and beyond- agers, it must be a very foreign terrain to navigate.

First, where do you find folks our age?  We really aren't gathering in droves at private parties every weekend, or hanging out at busy clubs with groups of friends.  We aren't likely to be at the lakeside, showing off our white stretch marks, psoriasis, and joint replacement scars.  Criminee, the thought of my peers gathered in a beer swilling, dancing pack of revelers in swimsuits makes me lightheaded and faintly nauseous.  

You can spend a month of Sundays in church and only see one or two good choices, and odds are they're married.  Or gay.  Or both.

Private singles groups make me think of flashing neon signs shrieking 'DESPERATE! NEEDY! PATHETIC!'  We are even too old for Parents Without Partners.  More like Parents With Middle Aged Kids.  Or Parents Without a Clue.

So, how about a bar scene once in a while?  Well, because the drinks cost 6 to 8 bucks, money that needs to go into the 401k to offset recent losses, that's why.  Besides, a couple six buck drinks could get you a driving under the influence charge.  Back in the day, the fact that you got home was proof of your ability to drive.  (How many of you had to check the driveway to see if your car was there, meaning you had driven yourself home?)  And, it takes a lot of energy to get ready to go out, find something to wear that doesn't bind at the crotch and make your butt look like a pontoon boat passing by, and then, hunkering in some little low back chair that's likely to have your sciatica acting up in no time, not to mention your spinal fusion site...

You see our dilemma here?  See what we're up against?  

I thought about computer dating services for our friend, but a) he goes into ventricular fibrillation at the thought of touching a keyboard, b)  he would be deeply offended at any woman he would be matched with (he has a self image distortion issue, his mirror image aside), and c)  I don't think there is anything to say about him that is intriguing enough to inspire responses.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I know him too well.  But, he has been married to a couple pretty women.  But that was then.  You know?

So, I've been thinking of a personals ad for him to find dates.  Haven't decided where to run it yet.  Maybe a small Alaska weekly or a local Southern paper.  Or anything written that gets to the Bayou areas, where most of the women are known as 'Sis'.  Let me know what you think:

Lonely man wants to meet dream woman for LTR. Age 62, twice divorced, throat cancer survivor who has resumed smoking, facing drunk driving charges after leaving second wife's new home with her new husband, never voted, hates government, mysogynist, perfectionist, pig-headed.

Then, I would add:  Loves hunting, fishing, animals. Raising ex-wife's teen aged daughters from another marriage, because the girls wanted to stay.  Gave the girls' dad a job in his construction company so he could stay close to them. Extremely loyal to friends and family and elderly mother.  Cries for others.  Honest.

Hunh.  Maybe he will find someone after all...